| Author |
Message |
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What pairing should the story follow?
| Jesse/Emma |
[ 2 ] |
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25% |
| Jesse/Shal |
[ 1 ] |
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12% |
| Jesse/Brennan |
[ 3 ] |
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37% |
| Jesse/Lexa |
[ 2 ] |
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25% |
Total Votes : 8 |
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| AndyPsionicFeral |
 Posted: Wed May 03, 2006 3:00 pm |
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Mutant X Fanatic
Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 850
Location: NC, USA
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Story written by me, Lem. Dont know where it really came from and I have talked to some of you about it so dont spoil it if you know whats going on. I'm going to post the beggining of it and let you tell me what you think. I will not post the rest until after I get feedback. There are secrets and twists in the story and its still in process. I am still writing it. I am stuck in a part but I am working with a friend to get through it. Now her is the story. Tell me what you think.
"Can we try?" by Lem T.
Jesse sat on his bed after a nap and a dream that he couldn’t get out of his head. Why am I feeling this way? Passion, longing, was it lust? Why? Why all the dreams and all this feelings that I cant understand, I never though about this before. Why now? Now that things are starting to feel comfortable with everything else, now I start questioning my feelings? I have already caught myself staring. Thank goodness for self control or I would have already phased through that wall…yeah, I would have done it a while ago. “You have no idea how bad I want you.......”
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Was he staring at me earlier on? And what was that in his eyes…was that longing, sadness, was it lust? What’s going on? Is he falling for me? That’s not possible. We have been friends for the longest time and he has never shown signs of liking me more than as a friend. But, what is he is really staring at me with that… lust? What if he really wants me? What do I do then? What are my feelings towards him? Can I even go there? Well… its just one step further, we are already friends, and it’s not like I have someone steady at the moment. But, could Jesse really be into me?
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The day went on and the team had been divided into two different missions, a guy and a girl in each team. One team returned that same night while things got complicated for the other and they had to stay out longer. Jesse sat in his room thinking about how the other team might be doing. He was worried and haunted by the feelings that were troubling him. How was he supposed to act or what was he supposed to do about it. Would the team member he was fantasizing about accept the feelings he was having or would he be rejected? |
Last edited by AndyPsionicFeral on Fri May 05, 2006 3:09 am; edited 2 times in total
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*Hopefully this works cause it doesnot seem to like me much* |
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| gelf |
| Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 4:06 pm |
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Site Admin
Joined: 22 Oct 2004
Posts: 992
Location: a swamp
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| AndyPsionicFeral |
| Posted: Fri May 05, 2006 2:49 am |
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Mutant X Fanatic
Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 850
Location: NC, USA
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| Thats just the begining of the story. the rest is to come once you guys tell me what you'all think. so post me some comments on the story and then i'll post more. |
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*Hopefully this works cause it doesnot seem to like me much* |
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| Lexa Pierce |
| Posted: Fri May 05, 2006 2:55 am |
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MXL:OS Expert
Joined: 04 Oct 2004
Posts: 3537
Location: Somewhere, nowhere, everywhere
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| You're making me itch to know who that female is! Its good so far. |
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When we collide we loose ourselves. When we collide we break in two. And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love. It's a hard mistake. When we collide. We break. |
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| imjuzakyd |
| Posted: Fri May 05, 2006 2:56 am |
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Site Admin
Joined: 14 Feb 2005
Posts: 1269
Location: finding my way back to sanity... again
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Hmm. As long as this isn’t like that slash story you told me before that made me lose my appetite, I’ll continue reading it. LOL.
The story has potential, although for a first chapter it’s rather short. Maybe we can find out more about the background/setting/storyline in the second chapter.
As for the characters. I’m still guessing who the mysterious girl might be. Shalimar is Jesse’s longest friend in the group, so she’d fall under the category of ‘friends for the longest time,’ but other than that I dunno. I love the pair, honestly, but as I’ve said earlier, this intro is too short to be able to make a good guess. Now Emma. Falls in the category as well. But shouldn’t she be able to at least detect Jesse’s feelings for her? I mean, in one ep she sensed that Jesse found her attractive. This time the girl saw the emotion in Jesse’s eyes. Meaning one doesn’t need to be a psionic to be able to do that. I think Jesse’s being too obvious here, lol. Oh well, he’s always had this soft spot when it comes to women. And Lexa. I don’t know much about her so I can’t give anything. But I do know you like them together. So. Hm.
Perhaps if we read the succeeding chapters we’ll get a better view of the whole story, so I guess that means you need to post sooner than you thought. Got that?  |
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"Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away." - Closing Cycles, Paulo Coehlo |
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| AndyPsionicFeral |
| Posted: Fri May 05, 2006 3:20 am |
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Mutant X Fanatic
Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 850
Location: NC, USA
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OH, just to let you all know, i will not post the next bit of the story until i have atleast 10 replies to the poll. so for those of you who like the story, you better encourage ppl to reply and pick a pairing on the poll or suffer the consequences.  |
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| MindWhisperer |
| Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 5:10 pm |
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Roleplayer of the month
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 270
Location: In your mind
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| Alright well the story is posted on ff.net go visit it there. Lem is still waiting for reviews. Post the answer to the poll on here and go review it there too. Chapters will be posted here first for your enjoyment and later there but there might be more added here than there or viseversa. enjoy. next chapter is coming tomorrow. 5/16. laters from Lem and the messenger Luke. |
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"Wispers can make you scream or fall in love." |
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| MindWhisperer |
| Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 1:29 am |
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Roleplayer of the month
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 270
Location: In your mind
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| Ooops. I forgot to give you guys the link for the story on FF.NET. My bad. Lem is going to open a new thread for the story and this one is just going to be here for review purposes. oh and here is the link for the story if you want to read it on FF.net and comment there. or for those guests that want to review. http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1044217/ there we go. much better. Now I'll let him post the story. later guys. luke/whisper |
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"Wispers can make you scream or fall in love." |
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| MindWhisperer |
| Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 2:03 am |
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Roleplayer of the month
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 270
Location: In your mind
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| There arent any replies and the story on ff.net has had 80 some hits but only two reviews from imzy. I know we all have lives and that we sometimes cant but Lem would really like to know what you guys think. he is getting dissapointed and thinking that his story is crappy and that no one likes it. Someone tell him otherwise. He knows what i think. but he would like to hear it from you. Thanks again. Luke. |
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"Wispers can make you scream or fall in love." |
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| Blackpanther |
| Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 5:08 pm |
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Forum Founder
Joined: 02 Oct 2004
Posts: 2828
Location: hiding somewhere in a a corner of my mind
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Here's my review. If it seems harsh I'm sorry.
It is very obvious that your heart is not in it. It's rushed, way too rushed. You don't let the reader draw his own conclusions, you do it for him. You don't describe the actions, you just tell them. For example you say " Brennan and Shalimar where done with their mission early and were on their way back to Sanctuary. They decided to stop for some drinks and to relax a bit.", instead you could have written dialogue between the too, what exactly happened at the bar and Bren getting wasted. Same for Jesses's thoughts. Also i think Jesse would view his feelings with more disbelief and confusion. You tell us he has this feelings but you don't transmit them trough your narration. I liked the way you wrote Emma, but maybe she is a bit too direct. Also you don't use too many adjectives. Be a little more descriptive.
There's not much to review on the plot though because nothing has really happened in the story. I think that's about it. |
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